资源简介 阅读下面材料,根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写两段,使之构成一篇完整的短文。My husband and I enjoy seeing life through the eyes of our children. It's amazing to watch as they discover their world.While we were outdoors last summer enjoying the sunshine, our oldest daughter, Kaytlin, called me to the doorway. Beneath the steps was a baby red squirrel.We watched it from a distance, not wanting to disturb it or scare off its mother. But after a long wait - and looking all around our house for signs of a nest or a mother - we realized the tiny squirrel was lost.Shaking terribly, he was weak, thin, and hungry. We tried to find an expert to help, but the Inland Fisheries and Wildlife website showed that there were no wildlife experts in our area. After some quick research, we concluded that the best way to give the squirrel a fighting chance was to care for him ourselves. So a trip to the local store for milk and supplies was in order.More research taught us how much to feed him, how to estimate his age, how and when to wean (断奶) him, and that we should let him go as soon as he could survive on his own.Our daughters and I took turns in feeding “Squirt”. Kaytlin took on the most responsibility. She taught him to eat from a bottle and she woke in the night for his feeds.To our relief, Squirt soon became healthy and strong. Within a few weeks he became more active. He would chatter (吱吱) for his next meal, playfully go around the girls, and lie down on them for sleep. It wasn't long before he was weaned onto solid food and reintroduced to the wild.His first few visits to the great outdoors were funny. Just like a child, he would play in the grass some and then run back to Kaytlin for safety. Soon she had him climbing trees and finding nest material.Para 1: One day in the trees, Squirt met up with a family of gray squirrels.Para 2: One night, Squirt didn't come back to our house and it rained hard.Para 1: One day in the trees, Squirt met up with a family of gray squirrels.At first, he was cautious. Then, seeing the gray squirrels having fun with each other, Squirt got up and made his move. Jumping onto the adjacent tree, he slowly approached the busy family, chattering.(我会从逻辑,结构,语言三个角度分析这段话。逻辑上:从两段提示语可知第一段里Squirt需要逐渐适应户外活动,因而此处遇见别的松鼠可以设计为 先谨慎观察,后一起玩耍,为后文“离家闯荡”作铺垫。结构上: 长短句结合,首句突出Squirt一开始的心理,第二句由静转为动,第三句用两个简化句描写Squirt接近灰松鼠一家的动作。语言上:cautious,make one’s move, adjacent, approach(带拟人之感)都属于精确词语,jump,chatter两个动词则符合松鼠 动作特征及原文描写。松鼠发出什么声音呢?其实除了原文的chatter,squeak亦可,但这个词有尖细声的联想,我在这没用,尽量保持松鼠可爱、拟人化的形象。拟人感的设计有两个原因:1. 原文人称代词指代Squirt 反复使用he,him,his,所以拟人化处理符合原文作者的心理投射;2. 拟人化描写动作,会给人带入感。)Meanwhile, the gray squirrels gathered around, sat up straight and gazed at Squirt as if assessing the credibility of his words.(互动性是故事续写的一大原则。此处虽未出现人物,但松鼠间的互动和反应描写仍不可缺少。 此句中三个连续性动作体现出了灰松鼠一家面对陌生同类的审视,也贯彻了流动性原则,动作连续没有割裂感,且调动了五感。 最后以as if虚拟语气简化句作方式状语收尾,继续对松鼠 进行拟人化处理,营造活灵活现的感觉。 As if是拟人化的好帮手。)Luckily, before long, Squirt was welcomed into their group and they started to play together.(第一段中,到这里 微故事情节以喜剧收场。这段话我最满意的是luckily这个副词。它体现出旁观者对松鼠能否融入自然环境的态度。Luckily,表明旁观者(即主角一家)持支持态度,这符合原文细节-- we should let him go as soon as he could survive on his own. 也为第二段人物选择埋下伏笔。小小一个副词,也可四两拨千斤。)After that day, every time Kaytlin brought Squirt outside, he would go to that spot. Soon, he started to wander around the neighborhood by himself but he would always return home before dark.(这是首段结尾部分,从逻辑角度,需要为第二段引入语作铺垫。第二段开头说“Squirt雨夜未归”,所以就要铺垫Squirt逐渐熟悉户外活动,且自主活动范围扩大。语言上用了时间状语从句,以及转折并列句“he would always return”来铺垫第二段人物反应。因为Squirt总会回家,所以不回家才会让人担忧。)Para 2: One night, Squirt didn't come back to our house and it rained hard.The whole family were worried. Listening to the steady patter of raindrops against the roof, no one could fall asleep, especially Kaytlin.(Squirt是全家的宝贝。当它雨夜未归时,全家都会担心,但根据原文描写Kaytlin付出最多,所以结尾用especially Kaytlin点明,与原文呼应。这句话的互动性还体现出 环境呼应。第二段引语说雨下得很大,那么第二段就应该有反复对雨的描写,从雨中,到雨停,体现出环境、和时间的流动,增强真实感。 这里我选用大家没睡时的听觉切入。因为大家都没睡,所以能听见屋顶雨滴不停溅落的声音。)She paced up and down the living room, anxiously waiting for the familiar chatter to appear. But nothing happened.(这句话用pace up and down的动作描写,体现人物心理。这也是我青睐的写法,不直接告诉读者人物怎么想,怎么感,用动作和微表情让读者自己去解读,增加阅读趣味和人物的鲜活感。从结构上,这几句话长短句相间,增强了阅读的节奏感,韵律感。)The rain persisted through the night. As soon as it had ceased, we spread out to find him.(雨下了一夜怎么说?我可以轻易地说it rain all night. 但怎么体现出长夜漫漫,细雨绵绵那种“磨人”的感觉?我选用了persist坚持。不论人们怎么想,它兀自不停歇,一个单词,让雨也被赋予了生命力。接着,雨下整夜,到早上才停。cease也是一个很精确的词语,比起stop,还让人耳目一新。Spread out 动感十足。)After a while, the girls spotted Squirt and his friends chattering and leaping around in the park, dazzling beads on the grass bouncing everywhere in the sunlight.(小姑娘们找到了Squirt。松鼠在林间如精灵一般,跳跃的身影当是忽隐忽现。所以,当她们找到Squirt时,我没用found,saw,而是用了spot. 牛津字典对spot的定义是“ to see or notice a person or thing, especially suddenly or when it is not easy to do so”,我想营造的就是这种茫茫中突然看见的感觉,还带着惊喜和意外。在续写收尾时,我希望有一个环境描写让人印象深刻。松鼠作为晨间最为活跃的生物,我做了如下构思。首先,时间当是早上,阳光正好;第二,环境当在树丛,草甸上;第三,刚刚下过雨,草上应挂有水珠。所以我构思了 当小姑娘们看到Squirt和他的伙伴时,他们正在晨光照耀下的草丛上跳跃穿行,所到之处,草丛上水珠被溅起,于阳光下闪闪发光。 希望这幅画面也让你喜欢)The girls were mesmerized by the wondrous sight. Instead of calling him, they knew it was time to let him be. Quietly they left, deeply touched by this feeling of “free and alive”.(这段话的语言我比较满意。结尾的方式很多,语言、环境、微表情、心理都可以。本文中,我把环境放在尾声之前,已经体现了动态之美,那么结尾我就想营造静态之美。心理描写成了我的首选。在上一段luckily处我就有分析,从原文角度出发,看到Squirt亲近自然一定会感到欣喜。虽然不舍,但本是丛林间的生命,复返自然是本意和本心。最后一句话升华主题,我希望升华的是人与自然的和谐,以及自由和活力。给读者一种uplifting的升力。所以当Squirt被找到时,小姑娘们不会上前打扰,而是远远观看,被那种小精灵在丛林中奔腾间所迸发的生命力所震撼,这一点从be mesmerized by体现出来。小姑娘们在确认Squirt安然无恙后会选择悄悄地退去。是的,她们没有带着Squirt回家,但是却不是全无收获。相反,那种林间穿梭的自由与活力一定会让她们久久难忘。)参考答案:Para 1: One day in the trees, Squirt met up with a family of gray squirrels.At first, he was cautious. Then, seeing the gray squirrels having fun with each other, Squirt got up and made his move. Jumping onto the adjacent tree, he slowly approached the busy family, chattering. Meanwhile, the gray squirrels gathered around, sat up straight and gazed at Squirt as if assessing the credibility of his words. Luckily, before long, Squirt was welcomed into their group and they started to play together. After that day, every time Kaytlin brought Squirt outside, he would go to that spot. Soon, he started to wander around the neighborhood by himself but he would always return home before dark.Para 2: One night, Squirt didn't come back to our house and it rained hard.The whole family were worried. Listening to the steady patter of raindrops against the roof, no one could fall asleep, especially Kaytlin. She paced up and down the living room, anxiously waiting for the familiar chatter to appear. But nothing happened. The rain persisted through the night. As soon as it had ceased, we spread out to find him. Finally, the girls spotted Squirt and his friends chattering and leaping around in the park, dazzling beads on the grass bouncing everywhere in the sunlight. The girls were mesmerized by the wondrous sight. Instead of calling him, they knew it was time to let him be. Quietly they left, deeply touched by this feeling of “free and alive”. 展开更多...... 收起↑ 资源预览