资源简介
阅读下面材料,根据其内容和所给段落开头语续写二段,使之构成一篇完成的短文。
Snowflake Bentley
In the days when Vermont farmers worked the land and spent time with livestock,there lived a boy Willie Bentley who loved snow more than anything in the world.Vermont is no stranger to snow and Bentley's happiest days were snowstorm days. He watched snowflakes(雪花)on his glove, on the vast farm fields, and on the dark metal handle of the barn(谷仓) door. He said snow was the blessings of Nature. However, he could not share snowflakes because he could not save them.
Later, when his mother gave him an old microscope,he mainly used it to look at snow. While kids of his neighbors chased hens and had snowball fights, Willie was catching snowflakes. Day after stormy day he studied the icy crystals(冰晶).
Their delicate patterns were even more beautiful than he had imagined.Willie decided he must find a way to save snowflakes so others could see their wonderful designs.For three winters he tried drawing snow crystals.They always melted in the black tray(托盘) that he used to catch them before he could finish the drawings.
When he was sixteen, Willie read of a camera with its own microscope. "If I had that camera I could photograph snowflakes,” he told his mother. Willie's mother knew that he would not be happy until he could share what he had seen.
“Spending time on snow is just foolishness,” his mother said. Still, she loved his son. When Willie was seventeen his parents spent their savings and bought the camera.It cost as much as ten cows.Willie was sure it was the best of all cameras.
Even so,his first pictures were failures—no better than shadows.Yet he would not quit. Mistake by mistake, snowflake by snowflake, Willie worked through every storm. Winter ended, the snow melted, and he had no good pictures.He waited for another season of snow. One day, in the second winter,he tried a new experiment. And it worked! Willie had figured out how to photograph snowflakes! "Now everyone can see the great beauty in a tiny crystal," he said.
Nevertheless, in those days no one cared....
Despite the new-found fame, Snowflake Bentley simply made up his mind to produce a perfect photo....
命题解析:
1.原故事标题:Snowflake Bentley
2.作者:Jacqueline Briggs Martin
3.故事来源:New York State Testing Program Grade 5 English Language Arts Test
4. 写作思路:
第一段开头应写Bentley身边的人对他拍摄的雪花照片不屑一顾或不欣赏其价值,但是Bentley并没有放弃拍摄雪花照片。第一段结尾应写Bentley围绕拍摄雪花所作出的努力,使他变得有名,并获得了“Snowflake Bentley”的绰号或称号。如果考生未交待“Snowflake Bentley”绰号或称号的由来,酌情扣2-3分。
第二段开头应写Bentley在出名之后,继续坚持不懈,付出各种努力来拍摄一张完美的雪花照片。故事结尾可以写Bentley最终拍到了一张完美的雪花照片,并感悟到欣赏和分享大自然之美的意义所在。
5. 命题感悟:参考范文是我基于原文进行改写的,其中续写第二段由我原创写的比例比较大。之所以选择这篇故事,我的核心动机是想找一个突出“美育”的故事文本,即五育并举中的“美”。近几年高考真题读后续写已经涉及过了“体”(2022全国卷一:cross country run)、“智"(2023年全国卷一:writing contest)。当然“德”育作为“立德树人”的题中之义,肯定是贯穿任何一种故事文本里的。下面以本篇读续考题及其范文,谈谈读后续写写作中应该注意的“五个意识”。
【参考范文】
Para: 1: Nevertheless, in those days no one cared. Neighbors laughed at the idea of photographing snow. “Snow in Vermont is as common as dirt,” they said. But Willie was not disheartened. He firmly believed the photographs would be his gift to the world. He gave copies away to neighbors or sold them for some money to help out his parents. He even wrote about snow and published his pictures in magazines. Soon, Bentley was beginning to make a name for himself. Flocks ofjournalists reached out to him for interviews and eventually the nickname “Snowflake Bentley” was born. (90词)
Para.2: Despite the new-found fame, Snowflake Bentley simply made up his mind to produce a perfect photo. Whenever it snowed, he would wait hours for just the right crystal. While neighbors sat by the fireplace, Willie stood at the barn door and held out the black tray to catch flakes. Through trial and error, he learned to produce photos of better quality. One day, Bentley worked his magic and eventually developed a perfectly clear photograph. The young man was overjoyed and immediately presented it to his folks. “I was wrong about your work, son. This is marvelous!”, said his mother. A smile of pride flickered across Snowflake Bentley’s face, for he knew he had forever captured the beauty of Nature. (103词)
6. 读续的五个意识
① Transition
“衔接”意识:展开细节写衔接
e.g. 展开写 no one cared 和 produced a perfect photo
② Tools
“道具”意识:利用道具做任务
e.g. 拍摄完美的照片,可利用前文中出现过的black tray/barn door/camera/etc.
③ Echoing the foreshadowing
“伏笔”意识:伏笔重现增融洽
e.g. 伏笔包括:
第一段的“Vermont is no stranger to snow”- 所以周边的人对于雪花照片不感兴趣
第五段的“When Willie was seventeen his parents spent their savings and bought the camera”- 所以Bentley可以利用拍摄雪花赚钱来帮忙贴补家用
④ Supporting Roles
“配角”意识:红花还需绿叶衬
e.g. Bentley的父母对Bentley拍摄雪花的态度是“支持但不理解”。续写当中应该要写到Bentley在出名并最终成功拍摄到完美的雪花后,父母对此的态度转变,才更合理。
或者换言之,父母作为配角在续写中应该要有戏份。
⑤ Echoing the beginning
“闭环”意识:结尾升华扣缘起
e.g. 第一段的结尾就交待了整篇故事Bentley这个人物的内在核心动机,“He said snow was the blessings of Nature. However, he could not share snowflakes because he could not save them”- 因此Bentley的终极目的是想分享大自然的“美”。
不少考生作文的结尾知识写到“坚持不懈”的重要性。
坚持当然很重要,但这只是他达到这一目的的途径而已。Perseverance serves as the means to the end, while the end itself matters more!
但是,我认为结尾升华最准确的应该是呼应这一故事的“缘起”,即Bentley想将他眼中的大自然之美这一"blessing"与大家分享,也就是我命题的原点-“美育”。
如果只是单纯点到坚持不懈的重要性,当然也无可厚非,但并非故事结尾的最佳写法。
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